Meet Sarah Dahlinger
^^ Listen to Sarah Dahlinger read her biography
Hey everyone!
This is Sarah Dahlinger from mindbodyartist.com and I wanted to give you an introduction to myself so you can know where I'm coming from.
I’ve had some rough patches in my life and fallen into a few pits, but I’ve managed to claw my way out. I’d like to share my experiences with people so they can hopefully avoid the mistakes I’ve made.
If at any point, my advice goes against something your doctor, coach, or therapist has said - you should listen to them and not me, since they know you better than I do. If you’re unsure if my advice is a good fit for you, definitely speak with your doctor, coach, or therapist about it.
In the beginning…
Sarah Forde and I are both from Massachusetts and we grew up down the street from each other. We started hanging out in high school mostly because I was bad at math and she sat next to me, so I’d ask her for help a lot - that's how we became friends around about 1999. After soccer practice, I’d go down to her house to watch Sailor Moon and eat chocolate fudge pudding. We both ended up going to UMass Dartmouth together and after graduating in 2006, we went out into the workforce and got different jobs.
My late 20’s to early 30’s rough patch, and everything I did wrong.
My first job was at a startup company right outside of Boston and I did well there. I ended up being promoted to the highest position that an artist could be promoted to in this little company, and I took night classes for 3D art so I could break into video games.
Then it all went sideways...
The recession hit and my roommate and I both got laid off on the same day. I was about 27 at the time. I had just bought my condo and was strapped into staying there due to the specific loan I had, so I couldn’t move and there were no jobs.
I’m no stranger to anxiety and have had it all my life, but the day we both got laid off, I had the most egregious, horrendous panic attack I've ever had in my life. What ended up happening is it snapped me into a cycle of panic. I had a panic attack or some type of anxiety spike/anxiety incident every single day for six months. It was absolutely brutal.
During this period, I got hired by this little game company for way too little pay. I won't go into it too much but this game company loved its crunch culture.
I ended up being at the game company for about two years and although my anxiety reduced after those first awful six months, it was still very bad. ((In my family, it’s a stigma to seek help, but that’s a story for another time.))
One day, I started working out with a couple friends in the studio, I started to feel normal again.
After so long, there was a glorious period of two weeks that I felt happy, worked out, and made video games.
Then I got laid off again when the company went out of business.
Because I had had such an awful experience when I was first laid off, I was exceptionally scared that I would go down into that darkness again. I was honestly afraid that if I did that, I wouldn’t make it out again. So I took the very common advice of, “if you’re anxious, go workout.”
But the people who told that to me, had no idea just how much anxiety I can make...
I started going to the gym on my own while looking for another job. At this point, I was trying to literally outrun anxiety because I didn’t know how to do anything smarter. I started everyday with a two to three hour lifting session, then I’d get back to the job hunt - emailing studio and updating my portfolio - until I felt the panic rise, then I’d go run two miles, and then I’d hit the job hunt again, until the panic rose again, and then I’d go do some other exercise.
Eventually I started to get pain in my knees but because I didn’t have another solution for the anxiety, I thought “I'll just work out with my arms”. About three months after that, I was working out and I started to get extreme pain in my elbows.
Since I was out of work, and therefore, didn’t have healthcare, there wasn’t much I could do about the pain, and the anxiety was still very much so present, so I worked through the pain for a while - too long.
Right around this point, I got hired by a medical company as their web designer. Medical companies have very slow turn around times, which was important since I was so absolutely filled with tendonitis at this time, I had no chance in a fast paced studio. I couldn’t hold a pen in my left hand at all, but I could slowly work a mouse in my right hand.
Both knees, both arms, one shoulder, and my wrist had moderate to severe tendonitis. It was so bad, they did $3k of blood work on me because they didn’t think anyone could end up with this many joints impacted and it not be another disease.
Of course, these people hadn’t tried to outrun and out art anxiety…
I’m left-handed and my left elbow was particularly bad with tennis elbow, golfers elbow, and tricep tendonitis. These maladies joined forces to help damage my ulnar never causing my arm to feel like it was being stabbed by on fire needles every hour, of every single day, for seven months. I still remember the day it let up for about a minute, just for it to come right back.
When the place I was working finally gave me healthcare, I went to physical therapy. My therapist was one of the sweetest people who fought the insurance companies bravely to get them to give me as many sessions I needed. She wanted at least six months, but I only got two.
Even though I couldn’t walk without pain at all, I couldn't hold a pencil, I couldn’t prep my own food, my insurance deemed I’d reached, “an acceptable level of pain.” and stopped approving sessions.
I was on my own.
I suppose this is the beginning of my turning point though, although at the time, everything just hurt and was awful.
Climbing my way out.
The first thing I did was to religiously do all my PT. I did my strengthening as instructed and I stretched 3x a day for seven days a week for nine months. The first day I missed was Christmas. I resumed my routine on the 26th.
During this ordeal, I was becoming more and more aware that if I didn’t address my anxiety, I’d probably keep stumbling backwards.
Like I said, in my family, you don’t get help and you don’t take medicine, so in the beginning, I did a lot of reading on my own. I joined a pain support group online under an alias, and they helped me find some resources that helped me as well.
Gradually, with what I think was a combo of PT, relaxation techniques, time, and a lot of ice, I started to get better.
When I say, “gradually” I truly mean it. I remember the weeks where I could draw for only 10 mins a week. Eventually, I moved up to an hour on Thursday nights, and needed to recover for the next 6 days. It was a slow and steady increase until I hit the five hours of work. I was stuck at five hours for a while, but I kept at it, and was able to work a full eight hours a day right around the time I went freelance.
It took me four years to be able to work a full day with both arms again.
I actually jumped a bit too quick into freelance from a physical point of view. My first large job, the Atlas Animalia, started great and then caused my worst flareup of recent years. I was only 20 illustrations into 130, and it was looking bad.
Luckily, I got some great advice from a mentor, which was, “get a dog.”
Current times.
Now we’ve reached the version of me that most of you know.
I did get a dog and the position of “studio assistant” was born. Dodger and now Ink served as a “rest your arm alarm clock that can’t be ignored.” I have not had a flare up since getting a dog.
It’s 2021, and this will be my fifth year running my freelance business. I have worked for Paizo, Monte Cook Games, Evil Hat Productions, Chaosium, Petersen Games, Metal Weave Games, Alligator Alley Entertainment, Anvil 8, Wet Ink Games, Part 12 Studios, Happy Giant, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (for ichthyology), the National Park Service, and the Texas A&M University (for herpetology).
I’m interviewing at some exciting studios that I wish I could tell you about. I have self published two books, and have a third on the way. I’m also an anatomy teacher.
Very recently, I decided that I wanted to rehab myself back to the same levels of strength I had before the dark times, almost ten years ago now. I started lifting weights again three times a week, and am very excited to report that my upper body strength has returned to close to 100% and my lower body strength is not far behind.
Oh! And for those keeping track, I did eventually seek professional help for my anxiety thanks to the support and guidance I’ve received from my art family.
In conclusion.
So that’s me - warts and all.
I’ve messed up and I’ve learned a lot because I’ve messed up.
I hope to give back with this project.
If I can prevent one artist from going down some of the dark paths I took, it’ll be worth it.
I hope this helps and, as always, thanks for everything.
❤️
Sarah D.
